Pump's Site

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call friend for help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding
front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with it's head
just visible from beneath friend's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink
beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friends's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot.
throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Drink one pint of whiskey for medincial reasons.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie mutant cat from hell's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage.
Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get friend to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order
a new table. Drink one pint whiskey for medicinial reasons.

15. Arrange for animal control to pick up the mutant cat from hell and check local pet store for hamsters.